There is never a more perfect time to encounter Shorewood’s finest wearing low top Converse shoes than when you are completely sober. If the meeting with the police ends in a humorous story and no citations, than it’s even better.
My best friend Phil aged to 22 three years ago. For his birthday I was in Missouri visiting my sister when a blizzard came across the small southern county. I called Phil and told him that I wasn’t going to make it to his birthday because of all the snow. What Phil didn’t know was that I was only joking about not making the party and that I was already home when the blizzard hit.
I knew that Phil was going bowling because many of our friends were not 21 years old yet. I also had an accomplice who was keeping me updated on the status of the partiers. After about an hour of bowling and drinking I showed up to see my buddy Phil, who was shocked when I walked in the bowling alley… and a little more than drunk.
Phil gave me a drunken man’s hug and stumbled back over to his lane. After a few more hours of drinking, Phil decided it was time to go home. During the ride Phil filled me in on his night before I made it to the bowling alley. I heard about all the beer and shots people were buying him and how he hit a pillar in the bowling alley after the bowling ball skipped across three lanes during his turn. Needless to say, my good friend was pretty hammered.
I got Phil home just after midnight, but I thought that was too soon to call it quits. His mom had two bottles of wine sitting on the kitchen counter and I convinced him to continue to drink. We each had a glass, followed by Phil polishing off the rest of the bottle.
Through his drunken slurs, Phil said he wanted to visit his girlfriend for a ...um, late night rendezvous. I agreed that if he called her and she answered I’d take him to her house. Sure enough, she answered. Since it was his birthday and I am a good friend, I told him to call me when he was ready to be picked up.
I went home and fell asleep for about an hour when I got a call from Phil, ready to be picked up. When I got to the girls house I saw Phil standing behind a bush peeing on his girlfriend’s house. He waved at me like an idiot and stumbled into the car. I noticed in his hand was an empty bottle of wine and asked if he and his girlfriend drank the whole bottle. He said, “nope” at first I felt relieved but then he said, “I drank it all.” The only thing I could think was, “oh dear!”
Just as we made it out of the subdivision and onto the country roads of Shorewood and Minooka, Phil needed me to pull over. It seemed he was experiencing flu-like symptoms. He felt dizzy, had a headache and of course, he had to puke.
I quickly pulled the car over and let him do his thing. Occasionally asking if he was okay and he’d respond with a thumbs up. After a few minutes of puking and Phil chucking the empty bottle of wine he said he was good to go. But just as he was reaching for the car door he began puking again. At this point I noticed a car had pulled up behind us and stopped.
Nervous that this vehicle was a cop I told Phil to get in my car. He said, “It’s not a cop” and began shouting at the car to “go around.” Phil continued shouting, “go around, go around” and motioning with his hands for the car to go around my car when suddenly in my rearview mirror I see blue and red flashing lights. Phil looked at me from the other side of my car door and said, “Oh shit, I think it’s a cop.”
The cop approached my car and asked if everything was all right. I told him I was just driving drunky home. The officer asked for our driver’s licenses. I handed him mine from out of my pocket. Phil however had a little more trouble. Rather than opening the car door he decided to dive through the passenger window to hand over his license. Of course this ended in him dropping it on the car floor. Which in turn made him fall through the window onto his face, before he successfully handed off his Illinois license to one of Shorewood’s finest.
As we waited for the cop to decide our fate, I couldn’t help but look at my friend and laugh. I wondered how we always managed to end in crazy situations. The cop finally came back and even though Phil tried to get into a jurisdiction battle with the officer. The policeman decided to let us go as long as I took Phil straight home.
As I drove away I was happy that we didn’t get any tickets, that Phil was going home safe and that I didn’t mess up my summer Converse shoes.
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