Slippery When Wet

“The thing about Chuck Taylor Converse Shoes is they provide very little support, warmth and traction in the winter months.”

When my best friend Phil turned 24 on December 17, 2009 I knew the event would be a memory that would last forever. My buddies Fisk, Miah, Phil and I started our night around six in the evening at Phil’s house were we shared a case of Bud Light and watched “The Hangover.” We were at the beginning stages of inebriated smiles as the movie ended and we all left the house.

Now you see, I can neither confirm nor deny whether or not my buddies and I went to the gas station to buy 40 ounce bottles of beer for each of us as Phil’s girlfriend drove us to Buffalo Wild Wings. I can however say with assurance that Phil’s girlfriend was a very sober and annoyed designated driver. Once at Buffalo Wild Wings our main concern was taking in more alcohol rather than fill our bellies with food.

After all that, our night was about to begin. We headed to Naperville to some of our favorite bars all the while drinking excessively. I hadn’t seen Phil for a few months prior to this night of mischief so we were like giddy schoolgirls at recess. We ran around town and as we skipped through the cold night I began to notice that my Converse’s did not compare to winter galoshes. It was as if every piece of ice clinging to the ground was felt through my shoes as if I was a barefoot in ancient Rome.

It was around two in the morning when the gang decided to leave Naperville, mostly because the bars were closing. As we drove home Phil and I decided that the night was too short and needed to continue. We convinced Phil’s girlfriend Julie to take us to Harrah’s Casino and drop us off and we’d find a way back home. Phil and I happily drank beer, margaritas and took shots as we wasted our money on table games and slot machines. It wasn’t until five in the morning that we decided it was time to go. We exhausted every number in our phones trying to find someone to take us home. Unsuccessfully, we decided our best option in this intoxicated state was to walk to my apartment three miles from the casino.

It was cold and seemed like a good idea until we began our trudge over the bridge that connects downtown Joliet. On this slick hike over the inclined metal hill I fell twice and almost busted my head on one of the rails looking over the river below. The night wasn’t over until I fell roughly ten more times during our trip and my toes were left feeling as though I could break them off like snapping a carrot in half.

Since our adventure that night in December, I have managed to warm up and the bruises I received from falling so many times have vanished. However, I will always share that memory with Phil, of the time we stupidly walk through Joliet, IL drunk, cold and smiling to bring in a friends birthday.

The Vegan

One of the most awkward dates I had ever been on with my Converse shoes was when I was 21 and still at student at Joliet Junior College.  I met a girl while having lunch.  She seemed a little strange when I began talking to her and when I asked for her number she gave me an email address because she didn’t want a guy calling her house and having her dad answer.  Almost immediately after that, she gave me her number and told me to call it just in case.  Right away it seemed as though this girl had a few screws loose. 

The next day I came to her house to pick her up for our date.  I always take girls to the same place on a first date, Mongolian Barbeque.  It was a cold day in January as we walked from the parking garage to the restaurant so I casually stated that it was cold outside as we walked through the doors of the restaurant.  She took this as a invitation to invade my personal space and as she bear hugged me said “yeah, let’s warm up.” 

Now, when someone bear hugs someone else, it’s very difficult to raise your arms because they are trapped between the bear huggers arms and your own ribcage.  I’m sure she didn’t mean to bear hug me and just simply wanted to give a hug but she added this uncomfortable moment by whispering, “I hope this never ends.”  I didn’t want to embarrass her by drawing attention to this absolute worst hug I had ever received so I just unnaturally twisted my arm to pat her on the back.

At this point in the evening it was clear that I wanted this date to end as soon as possible.  However there was a wait at Mongolian Barbeque of about 30 minutes to be seated.  I did not have that kind of time with this bag of crazy and because she mentioned she was a vegan I decided to take her to Noodles and Company.  

In the middle of one of the worst spaghetti meals I had ever had in my life this nut job randomly asked me if I like Lindsay Lohan.  Confused by this question I exaggerated my response by telling her “yeah, she’s alright.”  This girl immediately responded with “I love her!”  I was frightened.  She then asked me if I knew how they made two Lindsay’s for the movie “The Parent Trap.”  Again, I was puzzled.  I told her I though it was done with two camera splicing the images together until it fit in the scene the director was shooting.  She seemed offended when she responded with “No! They built a robot!”  I politely smiled and nodded in agreement as I discreetly texted my buddy “I think I may get stabbed with a spaghetti fork tonight!”

When I finally got this psycho back to her home I walked her to the door like a gentleman and thanked her for coming out.  I gave her a hug and she said, “I love you.”  I get freaked out if a girl I’ve been dating for a year tells me that she loves me so imagine my shock when a girl I’ve known for an hour tells me she loves me.  I was officially freaked out by this Sybil like creature and decided to break off ties with her over the next few weeks.  I avoided her calls like the plague until they seemed to fade off into a bad memory.  It’s been almost five years now since my incidence with this goofball and I pray everyday that I make it without any sort of communication with her.